Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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