FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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