I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
