ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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