I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
