upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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