You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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