I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
