what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
