saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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