I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
