I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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