im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
