be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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