Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
