Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
