Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
