I wish I could teleport
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
