i would punch a child for taco bell
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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