You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize