I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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