Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
