if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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