I faked an abortion last night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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