Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
