I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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