It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
