I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
