stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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