I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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