two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
