i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
