i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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