The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
