I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
