My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
