I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
