my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sober January is a disaster.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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