that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
