Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
