I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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