I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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