Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
