You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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