I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
