I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
