I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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