She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
