Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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