If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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