Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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