Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
