What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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