when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
