I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
