My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
