I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize